And Dad said, ‘Fish.’

 

Dad said, ‘Go catch me a fish my son

I’m hankering after some trout.’

So he gave me a rod

And a fatherly nod

Then promptly ushered me out

 

Dad said, ‘go pay your way my lad

You lazy little Herbert

Get off your arse

And get me a carp

And if not a carp then a turbot.’

 

‘But father!’ I yelped, ‘I can’t catch a fish.’

He registered fear in my eyes

‘I don’t like wet places

And I can’t tie my own laces

There’s no way I can tie flies.’

 

‘Nonsense,’ he shrugged, ‘you don’t need no flies

You just need a hook and a maggot

And then you will be

The young man and the sea

Now go off and catch me a haddock.’

 

So I set off to sea in a rickety boat

Armed with a rod and my wits

In the course of eight hours

And multiple showers

It was only mosquitos that bit

 

I was cold in the boat and the sun sank low

There must be a tack I’d not tried

I was dreadfully bored

And thought of ‘Our Lord.’

And cast my line on the other side

 

And lo and behold Jesus was right!

The side switch had done the trick

You could call me Ismael

As I’d caught a whale

I went home with Moby Dick

 

Upon my arrival dad was gobsmacked

‘Impressed?’ I asked the old geezer

Yes, well done my lad

But you must throw it back

I’ll not fit a whale in the freezer.’